(These were David Albert’s closing remarks at the MHA 2005 Annual Conference.)
More than a few mothers have told me that the first thing they did when their children were born, whether in the hospital or at home, is check to see that all the body parts were there. They counted the fingers and toes. Some have told me they counted more than once, just to be sure. One or two have even told me of dreams they had before the birth of their children being born without an arm, or a leg, or even a head.
Of course, there are times when infants are born when events have not turned out as parents might have planned. Despite our best efforts, careful prenatal environments making use of the best available information, there are infants who come into the world with handicaps and disabilities that cannot be corrected.
When disabled children are born in hospitals, the best hospitals immediately provide counselors to talk with parents about the educational possibilities that will be open to them, and give them hope regarding their children’s futures, provided they attend closely to them. Child psychologists have found that this makes a major difference in the bonding that takes place in the family, and ultimately in maximizing the child’s, and the family’s, potential.
So I came to wonder why we couldn’t make that a practice directed at all parents, and began to imagine, if placed in such a position, what I would like to say. (Wouldn’t it be great to have a book filled with multiple scripts for the occasion?)
One might go something like this:
“Congratulations on the birth of Sarah. I know you are exhausted! And, let me tell, so is she. It is the end of a long journey for both of you, and the beginning of another, one that I hope will bring both of you nothing but joy!”
“Sarah is completely healthy, perfect in every way. Yes, as is true for virtually all of us, likely encoded in her somewhere are a set of genetic anomalies, some of which may manifest themselves over what we can all hope will be a long, happy, and fulfilling lifetime. Some of them are of course simply a function of her parent’s heritage. But, and you always need to remember this, Sarah is absolutely unique. There is not another person who has ever existed on this planet who has the same biological makeup that she does, or ever will.”
“Now there is something else I need to tell you. It is statistically unlikely that Sarah will win the Nobel Peace Prize, invent the final cure for cancer, attend Harvard, compete in the Olympics, conduct the New York Philharmonic, or become President of the United States. All of these are possible, of course, and I don’t see anything just now that is likely to prevent them, and I’ve seen kids go out and do amazing things. But even if you have dreams and aspirations for your child’s future, learn to pay attention to her in the here and now, attending to her particular gifts and aspirations.”
“I remember when I had my first child. I was filled with fantasies and ideas, and anxieties, too. I never outgrew them all, either. I had fears for the future, fears of what I might miss in providing for my daughter, fears that I would be inadequate as a parent. It took me awhile to feel that I really had everything under control, or at least enough control that I could relax, so that we could grow together.”
“But, let me also tell you that fantasies, and ideas, and anxieties are a big part of what love is all about. If you lack these, and I’m sure you don’t, you would be lacking in those very qualities that make you human, and which you will pass along to Sarah as part of her inheritance, so that she will learn to love as well.”
“There are some things you will not understand about your child…and never will. Sarah is her own soul, and with any luck will outlive you, and visit places in space and time that you in this worldly sphere are simply prohibited from going. Indeed, this is one of the great secrets and paradoxes of parenting - you are preparing your child for a future you yourself will never know.”
“Now having taken that in, relax. It really isn’t as hard as you think. Treat her as if, out of all the possible parents in the world, Sarah chose you! Literally. There are, in fact, philosophers going as far back as Plato who have believed that children choose their parents. You’re it. Take it as an honor, and a responsibility, not that you are a parent (lots of folks can make that claim) but that you were specifically chosen to be the parent of Sarah, at this particular and special moment in time. If you learn to listen and to watch and just be present long enough, time will reveal to you why this was meant to be.”
“Be assured: Sarah wouldn’t have chosen you if you weren’t up to the task. Her very uniqueness, the uniqueness that makes her Sarah - call it the song of Sarah - is calling to you, and you will know, know deeply, how to respond to it. Yes, you will learn plenty of techniques, tricks of the parenting trade, maybe even a little bit about education, as the two of you travel this path together. You’ll find a great library of books out there (I’ve written some of them myself!) and a walking library of other parents who will freely share their experiences and wisdom with you - sometimes, perhaps, more freely than you’d ever particularly desire. All that is well and good. But, ultimately, all this is really about is paying good attention. Your ability to be the right parent for Sarah is built into you just as securely as being Sarah is built into herself.”
“And just one more thing. Don’t neglect who you are just because she has arrived. You are born with that same energy and potential as she, and her birth is an invitation to you to maximize it. There is nothing you can do that will be more important to Sarah than your becoming, fully, the person the Great Creator meant you to be.”
“What I have to say now will be the most difficult to remember, or even for you to understand, but is perhaps most important of all. Cherish every moment in your lives together. You will find out soon enough that Sarah’s life as a child, with you, will not last all that long. It will be gone almost in the twinkling of an eye, and leave behind for both of you a memory of love that will nourish you both for the rest of your earthly sojourns. Grab hold of all of this love that is available to you, and that you are.”
“In Yiddish, at the birth of a child, or at any milestone or acknowledgment of an accomplishment or rite of passage, we say “Mazel Tov”. The expression contains within those two little words, two very big ideas. For Mazel Tov means “Congratulations” or “Best wishes on your good fortune!” for something that has already happened, and indeed we wish you that. But it also means, “Good Luck!” as if you are at a commencement, a renewal, or just seeing the boat off at the pier. So Mazel Tov! It’s a new beginning!”
(The tov in Mazel Tov simply means “good”. The word mazel derives from the Hebrew for the Zodiac mazalot, and is associated with an infusion of cosmic energy yet to be delivered. The Talmud cites three life issues directly affected by the mazalot - life, children, and livelihood. Wishing someone “Mazel Tov” is an expression of hope that the energy of the universe should only be for our, and the world’s, good.)
David Albert is a featured columnist for Home Education Magazine and The Link Homeschooling Journal, and is the author of several homeschooling books, including And the Skylark Sings with Me: Adventures in Homeschooling and Community-Based Education, and Homeschooling and the Voyage of Self-Discovery. The material reprinted above is from his new book: Have Fun. Learn Stuff. Grow. Homeschooling and the Curriculum of Love, which came off the press just before the MHA conference. MHA members and friends will receive a $2.00 discount on signed copies of David’s books – just go to his website www.skylarksings.com, order a copy, and write “MHA” on the comment line.